Saturday, May 10, 2008

Cubs Win World Series! But not yet.

I am confident that the Cubs will win the World Series at least once by 2024, but not this year. How do I know?

Astrology.

That’s right, all you eye-rollers, astrology. It’s up to Pluto, the recently demoted “dwarf” planet, to obliterate the Curse of the Billy Goat.

Pluto’s orbit is elliptical and, being so far from the sun, it takes approximately 248 years to complete a cycle through the zodiac, spending anywhere from 11 to 32 years in any given sign. (By contrast, Mercury takes only 88 days to go around the sun and through all the signs.) Although some uppity earthlings decided to demote Pluto, it is still an astro-Napoleon. Small compared to the other planets, but you wouldn’t want to be up against it in battle. Pluto is a destroyer and rebuilder. As it passes through the zodiac it restructures anything needing correction which is connected with each sign.

For example, from 1984 through 1995 Pluto hung out in Scorpio. Scorpio rules sex and death. The defining issue that came to light during that time was AIDS. In 1995 Pluto moved into Sagittarius, which rules religion, philosophy, long-distance travel, and sports. Since that time religious scandals have been brought to light (think pedophile priests), the airlines underwent a major transformation due to the attacks of 9/11 (religion + long distance travel) and it was revealed that professional athletes were using steroids to enhance performance. Sagittarius is an expansive sign; this was the era of the supersize: the tech and housing bubbles, childhood obesity and the portions of fast food by that name.

Pluto has now begun its ingress into the sign of Capricorn. To the extent that Sagittarius is all about expansion, Capricorn is all about contraction. We are already seeing declines in the housing market and a reduction in the available amount of food on the planet. It wouldn’t be farfetched to assume that thin bodies will become the norm, even in the U.S., and Rubenesque figures will again be in vogue, as the most desirable body type is usually the rarest. Cars and homes will shrink to reflect the new austerity. Capricorn rules government and big business. Both will undergo major transformations during Pluto’s time in this sign. The last time Pluto was in Capricorn the Revolutionary War gave birth to a new country founded on the principles of democracy.

What has all this to do with the Cubs? The sign for Capricorn is the Goat. In order to transform, Pluto first destroys. Therefore, Pluto will destroy the Curse of the Billy Goat and with its destruction the Cubs will be in a position to win the series. However, it won’t happen this season. Pluto is currently retrograding, or backtracking, into Sagittarius for one last binge, where it will stay until the baseball season is over. So at the very least, we Cubs fans will have to wait until next year.

3 comments:

Valerie said...

So you're telling me that magnet you once gave me (One Day Big Butts Will Be In Style) is finally coming true?!?! Oh joy, rapture!

Jon said...

Maz -- first, congratulations on moving into the 21st century. I look forward to reading your Mazizms.

Regarding the Cubs thing -- you're over analyzing. Stick to music and bugs ... grin ...

Jon said...

Re: valerie -- girl -- don't hold your breath ...